The following conversation never took place. However, to what extent this conversation reflects the political reality in California today is left to the reader.
Candidate (C): It’s a surprise that you contacted me. I never thought I would run for office, I don’t know how to campaign and I’m not well informed about the things I might have to do if I’m elected.
Government Union Operative (GUO): It doesn’t matter. We have profiled you and determined that you are a viable candidate and developing into a politician that we can count on.
C: But I don’t even know how to start this process!
GUO: Don’t worry about that either. All the forms you need are already filled out here. We just fill in your name and personal information, and then you sign it. We will submit them. We’ll look into it.
C: Where do I get my money for the campaign? Where can I find a campaign manager?
GUO: We do everything for you. We’ve found a Treasurer to handle all your donations and expenses, and all you have to do is approve them. We have a campaign consultant running your campaign for you. And we will run a separate, independent spend campaign that allows us to bypass campaign donation limits and you don’t have to do a thing.
C: What about my opponent?
GUO: Don’t worry. We will outperform your opponent by the amount necessary to ensure victory. you must do all themselves, knowing that they are up against us. They have to raise money from small donors. They need to constantly run small fundraisers. They don’t have access to our government union dues and the companies won’t help them because they’re all afraid of us. Unless your opponent is rich and willing to burn a good chunk of his own fortune, he won’t have anywhere near enough money to compete with you.
C: What will I campaign for? what will i say
GUO: Don’t worry! We tell you what to say. We write your campaign literature. We create your campaign website. We take care of every detail. We’ve got all the money we’ll ever need, so we’re hiring the best political advisors. We have learned exactly what voters react to, and we will attack your opponent as extremists.
C: But shouldn’t I have my own ideas? Should I stand for nothing?
GUO: No. Leave everything to us. Just be available for photos and to sign documents and checks.
C: What if it’s a close election? Won’t this all be for nothing?
GUO: It probably won’t be close, but if it is, we know exactly what to do. If early voting trends show that your opponent’s party is performing better than expected, we will invest more money in ballot collection in the weeks leading up to Election Day. Our ballot collectors know which household members have registered with our party. Early voting lets us know how many votes we need, and ballot collection lets us control how many votes we get. And it’s legal. You can’t lose
C: Can’t my opponent’s party do the same?
GUO: Theoretically yes. But it costs a lot of money to participate in the scientifically based ballot collection. And look, ha ha, they don’t have any money. What’s really funny, though, is that we convinced the Californians we don’t have much money, that was who are misfits and that our opponents are throwing us into the ground for accepting contributions from “corporations and billionaires.” And guess what, we’re the ones getting almost all of the corporate and billionaire contributions, and they’re not.
C: What if you can’t find enough households with voters registered to your party who haven’t voted yet, and early voting trends still show I might be behind?
GUO: Relax. We have many tools in our toolbox. Although the last day to register as a traditional voter is October 24th, we can assist people with same-day registration as a “conditional voter” up to and including Election Day, November 8th. We know who to register. For example, our teachers’ union has ensured that the vast majority of young voters are thoroughly conditioned to vote for our party and despise your opponent’s party. We have a profile for every eligible voter in the state. We know where every person under 30 lives and if they are not registered we can get them a same day registration and then we harvest their vote.
C: Isn’t it odd that California allows early voting to begin a full month before the November 8 election and allow counting and certification to last until December 16? Doesn’t it allow you to manipulate the election result during this extended voting period?
GUO: So what? It’s legal. We control the politicians, that means we write the laws, and we have legalized all of that.
C: What if my opponent questions the fairness of same-day registration and ballot collection to ensure victory?
GUO: You’re a fast learner, but you still don’t get it. We all have winning messages. When your opponent questions the ethics of ballot collection, or the accuracy of the registered voter database from which ballots are mailed to everyone, or the unfairness of the taxpayer-funded government unions that recruit candidates and pay for their campaigns, let’s just call them a ” Choice”. Denier.”
C: Oh yes! I’ve heard this phrase a lot lately. These people are fascists!
GUO: You are right. Welcome to the team. Now just sign here.
This article originally appeared in the California Globe.